The 14th Annual Mr. Lower East Side Pageant
Cake Shop (152 Ludlow St., Manhattan)
It’s that time of year again – The time when snowflakes fall gently onto the crumbling sidewalks and dudes who haven’t seen the inside of a gym in over a decade suddenly want to look buff for the laydees…That’s right, it’s time for the annual Mr. Lower East Side Pageant whereupon the women and gay men of the Lower East Side choose one lucky man to rule the area south of Houston and east of Bowery.
The 14th annual Pageant will prove to be an extra-glamorous extravaganza, similar to the Ms. Universe Pageant, if all the contestants were hairy and liked Budweiser. To compete in this cutthroat pageant, contestants need not live on the Lower East Side. (Because honestly, who can afford it anymore?) They simply must possess qualities, which would make them the proper representative of this neighborhood. (What those qualities are, I am not quite sure of…) They also must prepare for the following competitions: A 1-minute talent competition, a swimsuit competition, eveningwear and question and answer. Contestants must show up at 8 to sign up! Or they should e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org for details.
Last year’s winner, Jason Thompson will finally be giving up his crown (which comes complete with a detachable bong) in the most exciting event of the year. The chosen monarch will also receive a slice of pizza from Rosario’s, a six-pack of Budweiser, and the knowledge that he has been chosen by the people. Runner-up will receive the dubious honor of Mr. Tribeca, and will get to wear a smaller vagina-shaped crown throughout the year. There will also be prizes given for “best male tits”, “congeniality” and “best nutsack.” Special performances by past Mr. Lower East Sides and musical acts will make the night especially magical.
Any woman or gay man who shows up is automatically a judge! Judges must be punctual because incomplete ballots will not be accepted! Reverend Jen, the Bob Barker of the L.E.S. will host the evening. Plus, there will be surprise celebrity judges and performers!